Anxiety is nothing new to Susie Meserve, but the pandemic has turned up the volume and unveiled new outlets for worry. As a child, I washed my hands until they bled. When COVID appeared, many people experienced what I have my entire life, and it was oddly comforting: handwashing was no longer a sign of obsessive compulsive disorder but a way to save a life.
Like many anxious people, I thrive on control: if I washed my hands, socially distanced, followed the rules — I could keep everyone safe. Every attempt to socialize or school our children or grocery shop requires a fraught mental calculus: is this allowed? Is this safe? But who am I kidding?
Once your child is capable of doing something, congratulate yourself on a job well done and move on. Why is it overparenting to do for your child what he or she is almost capable of? Think back to when your toddler learned to walk. She would take a weaving step or two, collapse and immediately look to you for your reaction. You were in thrall to those early attempts and would do everything possible to encourage her to get up again. You were present, alert and available to guide if necessary.
You knew she had to get it wrong many times before she could get it right. Hanging back and allowing children to make mistakes is one of the greatest challenges of parenting. The potential mistakes carry greater risks, and part of being a parent is minimizing risk for our children.
What kinds of risks should we tolerate? But under normal circumstances an year-old girl is quite capable of taking care of herself for a few hours in the company of her friends.
She may forget a package, overpay for an item or forget that she was supposed to call home at noon. But it is in the small daily risks — the taller slide, the bike ride around the block, the invitation extended to a new classmate — that growth takes place. In this gray area of just beyond the comfortable is where resilience is born. So if children are able to live with mistakes and even failing, why does it drive us crazy?
To rush in too quickly, to shield them, to deprive them of those challenges is to deprive them of the tools they will need to handle the inevitable, difficult, challenging and sometimes devastating demands of life. While doing things for your child unnecessarily or prematurely can reduce motivation and increase dependency, it is the inability to maintain parental boundaries that most damages child development. When we do things for our children out of our own needs rather than theirs, it forces them to circumvent the most critical task of childhood: to develop a robust sense of self.
There is an important distinction between good and bad parental involvement. Good parents insist on compliance, not because they need their child to be a perfect student but because the child needs to learn the fundamentals of math and develop a good work ethic. I always came off a call feeling less anxious. Working on different techniques, attending workshops, and the one to one sessions with Eilidh has really changed my life for the better.
She really helped me to better understand myself and changed the way I viewed myself. I cope with my anxiety so much better now and use all the tools Eilidh has given me. I have even found myself using the tools to help others. Although I am happy that I am at a place where I currently no longer need health and wellbeing support I will miss my sessions with Eilidh, she is the most kind and supportive person and I am so glad I met her.
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